Sunday, March 27, 2016

What Comes Next

I sat, and I just looked at them as they stared down at me. I could see that they were anxious about what happened next. There were tears in their eyes. Each face was different in their sadness, but each face held a look of understanding.

I was leaving, I was passing, I was dying.

They were so worried about what happened next. Everyone looks at a person who is dying and asks that question. Whether it is out of guilt or remorse or plain curiosity they, ask the question of where are they going? What will happen now?

Well, I knew exactly happened next six minutes after my passing.
 Simply put, what happens when we pass is no different than anything else we have already done; we go and wait in line.

Now, it is much like the DMV before the computers and online check-in. Stuffy old offices where the waiting was as endless as the line you queued into. But here there are no numbers. There is no grand sign calling you to a station. Unfortunately, there is just a vast line and people waiting.

I like regular have forgotten parts of the story, which will help with understanding. I will have to go back a bit.

Let’s make some sense first. 

As a people, we have gotten parts of the end right. I imagine from the beginning we have listened over and over to an endless amount of stories told around campfires. We then pass those stories to the next group around the next campfire. The words get lost or confused or changed as they are passed down the line. Each story is where we go when we die. What happens when we give up the mortal coil, and the Great Spirit takes us

When our bodies’ die, we go here, where ever that version of the campfire story should currently claim here is. Telling it over and over again in a myriad of languages dilutes the message, but not as far as might be expected.

For instance, there is a boatman, and he does ferry souls across a body of water. He is neither cloaked in black or only a skeletal form. He seems to be an ancient man. He always looks tired as if he has either never slept enough or always sleeps too much. His watercraft is more like the tied log raft that Huck and Jim used to navigate the mighty Mississippi. This forlorn creation is much like expected, with enough difference to draw question. Every part of this place is a reflection of the known upon the unknown. Thus it is correct in its fallacy. 

Processing is where the real truth lies. A simple series of desk arranged in rows like a large classroom. Behind each desk is a clerk whose job is to answer questions and provide passage documentation. Think of it as a parent-teacher conference. These clerks explain your progress and what outcome might await you. They hand you forms and point out the important details. When you are done they shake your hand and thank you for your time and efforts.

The act of placing coins on the eyes or in the mouths of the dead is one of the most important details about the death. 

The underworld is a costly affair with the sheer number of new arrivals. The clerk explains plainly that they need these coins to fund each individual transport. Those without coin or currency are shown to a waiting area filled with an ever continuing slurry of people, most of which without coin. They are stuck waiting for charity or luck to pay their fair.

The Pharaoh’s of old had it right in part. You keep whatever is on your person at the time of burial. If you have jewels and gold or something of the like you are out of luck. Only current coin of the realm is allowed for payment. I suggest leaving a five-dollar bill in the pants pocket of your loved one before you close the casket. 
Due to this regulation most everyone is here, or moreover, everyone I would have expected to not be here still remains here.

Friends who had passed recently were toward the back welcoming me with open arms. Relatives who had passed when I was a mere boy were scattered throughout. They looked at me in amazement and commented on how much I had grown. I moved forward in line shaking hands, embraced by hugs, bespeckled with cheek pinches.

Then she was there, like she had never left. Evelyn, the one true love of my life.

I cried when I heard her call my name. She was still here waiting like I now was. I felt a small amount of relief overflowed with remnants of grief. My Evelyn was standing by my side again, waiting.
After I had been told of payment, I opted to stay awhile to seek out more options. I found in my jaunts a vast ocean of history.

Individuals from different eras still awaiting their chance at eternal peace. Conversing with one another in languages too many to count. Nikola Tesla was the first famous person I recognized. He died poor and had been waiting like the rest. He put his inventiveness to work providing light and power to a once dark cavern only lighten by bits of small fires. 

Alexander the Great was still fighting battles and leading armies. It was all done in mock fashion on crudely erected stages of course. His words written by Shakespeare, his actions directed by Brando. His footfalls and follies provide by the Marx brothers and a still spry Charlie Chaplin.

Evelyn and I try to take in, at least, one show a day. Watching the world we once used to breathe paraded out as farce and comedy lightens us of the despair others succumb to.

Despair is a song sung around the clock for some. These lost souls tired of non-life sulk in the darker corners. They pled with the processors for some allowance. They seek the help of any newcomer who may have more coin than needed.

A girl, the age of five, is the most notable I have seen so far. Her hair bright red like fire and face white as snow reminds me of the song about poor unfortunate souls. I try to comfort her, but her lack of understanding feeds her grief.

“Mommy said it would be beautiful,” she cries with hands outstretched pleading for alms.

“I know my dear, my mother said the same.”

I want to tell her it is a mistake, but there is no mistaking the truth of this place.

Sadness is something I am familiar with, and a concept I am reminded of daily as I sit next to Evelyn. My, our family is one of the few left that practice the act of placing coins. I know she had them when she walked into the underworld as I cupped them in her hand before she was laid to rest. There is no reason she should still be here.

I asked her what had happened to her coins once. She explained a tale of a bride lost her love. A woman who had died the day she was wed in a car accident. Her husband had arrived before her and happened to have some change in the pockets of his tuxedo. The foolish boy had gone on ahead without a thought of his bride. The woman was so lost and heartbroken she could barely speak the bulk of her tale. Evelyn, being the kindest woman I have ever known, reached out her hand and gingerly gave the woman her coins. The woman, awe shocked by the action cried harder. Evelyn picked the bride up and walked her to the processing desks. She watched as the bride entered the ferry, and waved her on to her final happiness.

My wife, the hopeless romantic. My wife, a woman who won every agreement by saying, “because I love you.”

How could I ever argue with something like that?

At this point, I no longer question the great mystery that is death. There are far too many oddities of the underworld that need no explanations.

Evelyn managed to muster up a board for checkers. I play those willing to sit and pass the time with one or both of us. Our most common opponent is a young soldier by the name of Duncan Spindle.
He fell during the siege of Burgundy in the Great War. He still wears his uniform, which like most soldiers of his time held little room for money. Duncan is a good player and is more than willing to listen to stories of an old man who was born before he had passed.
Each time he sits down to play I reach into my pocket and feel the two silver coins my sons had placed there. The two coins are heavier than all the steel in the Rockefeller age. Two coins that could unravel the mysteries of everything. Two coins that could see me on my way. Two coins that would kill me all over to spend.

As I reach into my pocket, I can feel Evelyn’s eyes upon me. She knows I have them though I have never told her. She knows everything I have every done and will ever do.

She is my wife, and that is her job. She is superb at it.

Duncan reminds me that it is my move. Without a thought, I pull the coins from my pocket and place them on the board. Duncan looks at me in wonder. His face is puzzled by my action, but more so by his understanding of it. He reaches out and picks up the coins and holds them carefully in his hand. He smiles at me. I return his with one of my own.

“Your tour of duty is over my boy, time to go home,” I say with a salute.

Duncan rises and returns my salute. Tears are at the corners of his eyes. I reach out and wipe them away as if there were those of my own children.

Evelyn rushes over raining kisses on him as her final good-byes. I give him a firm handshake, which becomes a hug. We both watch him skip down the rows to the processing office. 

I feel better than I have in a long time. I fell like it all makes sense. 

This is what came next. This is what was always to come next. 


Monday, January 25, 2016

A Process

The everything sits in front of me 
It lingers right before me 
It sings and dance around me 
And I just want it to be gone

Something more than trapped
Something more than held 
Something less than hurt
Something less than loved
And as I end it will never be gone

So many battles to break me 
So many deaths to revive me 
So little time to save me
So little hope to give me up 
And it wants me, and I am already gone

No more pain and I give me freedom
No more horror to make me smile 
No more fire to make me cold
No more loss to fill me up 
And what I want never has existed 

Now I am unlearning of the known
Now I am free to be scared 
Now I am proud of my folly 
Now I am happy in my home 
And all I want is already here 
And all that I am is all that I am 

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Folding Paper

The paper is flat, clean, and perfect.

It is early, and the phone is ringing.
“Hello, who is this?”
“It’s me, she was in an accident, get here, get here quickly.”
It is late, and my ears are ringing.

The paper folds in half once.

 Black, cold, speed pounding against my windshield.
Lights, red and blue flashing behind me, blinding me.
“Son, you know how fast you were going?”
“No, I don’t care, she is dying, she needs me, have to get there.”
He walks away, he returns, he says to follow him.
Lights, red and blue flashing before me, guiding me.

The paper folds in half again.

I stop, I breathe, I open the door, everything is hot.
“Hello, please tell me where she is.”
“Down the hall, be quick, time is short.”
“Son, stop! You can’t go in. You have to wait.”
“NO! You said get here, you said get here quick.”
“I know, she is not responding. We need to talk about it.”
I stop, I breathe again, I look at her, everything goes cold.

The paper folds in half again, not as cleanly as before.

I am still, my thoughts are frozen, my eyes are dry, I want to know.
“Sit down, we need to talk. She would want this.”
“No, she would want me, she would want us, she would want anything else.”
“Son, she wouldn’t, she didn’t, and she can’t”
“But I got here, I got here for her, I got here in time.”
“No son, you didn’t, you couldn’t, and you shouldn’t.”
I am shaking, my head hurts, I can’t see, I don’t want to know.

The paper folds in half again, forced more than allowed.

It smells clean, everything is white, she is too quiet.
“You have a few minutes, then we will commence.”
I hold her hand, touch her face, I am drained of everything I am.
“It is time, they will both be in a batter place.”
“Both, what do you mean both?”
“She didn’t, she was, she should have told you.”
It smells like sulfur, everything goes red, the world is too loud.

The paper folds in half again, a rip spreads from the center.

I wake up, the room is dark, I am bound.
“Son, you can leave now, be careful you look broken.”
I only hear broken, I feel nothing, I am nothing.
“You did this, by not doing this, it is your fault.”
“I know, I understand, I am sorry.”
I fall asleep, the world is dark, I bind myself.

The paper folds in half for the last time.

Fold it enough and paper will be thicker than then the visible universe.

When it rips, so does everything it contains. 

Thursday, October 22, 2015

The Letter R

Day 12 – Outer Rig Line Up

My Lovely,

Today I sought words that could explain how I feel when I see your picture. As I have mentioned before, I only have the R section of an old encyclopedia.  If I had a dictionary, I am sure this would be easier. I happened across the word reborn which means being birthed again as an act of cleansing or faith. Each time I wake on the rig I know I am alone. I see your picture above my bunk and my devotion to you is reborn. Your beauty washes over me, and I am clean once more.

I close this note with a vigor reborn by love. I count the days till my hitch is up, and I can leave this place.

Always in love,

Rinn




Day 38 – Drum Collection B

My Lovely,

Today's word is robotic. The book has a very long description of the term. For me, I know that everything I do here is robotic in nature. No creative thought. No alteration of designated tasks. Every action is so coldly mechanical in shape and form. I am not a robot, but here in this place my acts are robotic, and I hate it as much as I love you.

These letters are the only task that gives me a reason to feel human. I count my breaths as I write them. On average I take 83 breathes during the time I write to you. Every one of those breaths is filled love for you. I know it is just my imagination, but there are times I smell strawberries as I write. The red of your hair and sun on your skin must be like strawberries. I hope this does not impose too much upon you. I know, as my mind knows that a beauty like yours must smell of strawberries. I long to kiss your lips to taste of the wild growth in that endless field.

Always in love,

Rinn







Day 42 – Chemical Collection

My Lovely,

Today is a rough one. Hence, that is my word for the day. I have been scrubbing the inside of the tanks. Doing this, I must wear a full HAZMAT suit. The air is stale and wet in my mask. The suit cannot be ventilated, so the heat just builds as the sweat rolls off of me. It is rough and required. If I forget to complete this task, there will be an overfill, and I will die due to seepage. I want nothing more than to remove this suit and lay with you in the open air. Feeling the wind lick at the exposed areas of skin. The light steps of your fingers upon my chest as I breathe. Your hair draped around your face hung over me like a shade. Everything fresh, clean, and free. With you I am free.

Always in love,

Rinn



Day 101 – Sewage Pools

My Lovely,

I regret to inform you that I lost my pen. It is okay though I have found an alternative. Something crawled out of the pools today. It looked like a lizard but moved like a spider. I killed it and am now using the black blood it bled as ink. I also regret a hardship you may have in reading this letter, as I had to use an old drill bit for a pen. I will keep writing as long as the blood is liquid.

Always in love,

Rinn



Day 113 – Crew Quarters

I am stupid and reckless in my love for you. I did not follow company protocol for mail delivery. I now sit with every letter I have written you with no way of sending them. Maybe I could send them once I am back Earthside. Mail them out one by one every day so that you could receive them as if I had sent them from the refinery. I will be by your side as you read them so I could explain any confusion you might have. Though the point of writing these letters was to keep me sane knowing that a piece of my consciousness was with you.

I am so close to being with you. I am so close to ending my time here. I am so close to holding you in my arms feeling your heart beat with mine knowing my aloneness was nothing but the moments between those beats.

Always in love, 

Rinn



Day 120 – Earth, Living Zone 12 – Apartment 3B

Dear Miss Gaverly,

I am writing you this message to conclude case number X45-75. As you mentioned in your halo message, you had no prior knowledge/ engagement with employee Trusal Rinn. However, according to his final will all of his belongings were to be delivered to you upon his death. Included in this package are his last paycheck (after loss deductions), a single picture of yourself, and a collection of correspondence written by Mr. Rinn to you.

The case is now closed and or business is concluded. We will not seek loss of revenue against you as Mr., Rinn’s slacked work efficacy, and eventual death was apparently due to his obsession with you.

Sincerely,

L. K Harper, CFO Star Refinery Corporation




Day 1 – Living Room

Dear Rinn,

I finished reading the last of your letters. Who were you? The picture you held so dearly was taken as an encyclopedia stock photo. No matter my questions, it now hurts when I breathe. The love you thought you had for me in that horribly empty place. The longing you held to be with me. The sorrow in each word you wrote about me. I find it too much to bear. You seemed beautiful and imaginative and caring. If only you were here beside me to answer the unknown.

I am sorry, and I love you for it. Wherever your spirit is may it find peace in knowing I received these letters. Rest now, you are free.

Loving you after always,


Gwen

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Show and Escape

“Did you bring it?” said Chuck. His face bright eyed and nervous Chuck towering over the boy in front of him. His excitement was palpable awaiting the illicit contraband.
            “Yeah I got it, back off man!” said Alvin pushing Chuck away. “Did you bring yours? Did you bring what you were supposed to? Because if you didn’t, we have a real big problem.”
            “Al! Come on you know I got it. I always come through for you. You on the other hand have the issue remembering.  Besides, if you forgot yours, mine won’t even matter.”
            The two boys argued back and forth over whom had forgotten what. Other children trailing hats and gloves ignored them as they spilled into the classroom of Sunshine Daycare Center. The brightly colored room filled with many face and bodies. They happily placed items into cubbies exchanging hellos filled with excitement. Al and Chuck’s entire argument had gone unnoticed while the room became more vocal with tiny voices. As Ms. Torrance watch she knew this was going to be a wonderful start to the year.
            Ms. Torrance stood and nodded to Harry, her teaching assistant. This was the signal to flicker the lights and close the door. Every child immediately stopped and turned to face Ms. Torrance. Al and Chuck hastily ran to their cubbies stuffing their belongings away. The last thing needed was drawing attention to their actions. They took their places behind their desks, waiting for Ms. Torrance to begin.
            “Good morning class, “ said Ms. Torrance.
            “Good morning Ms. Torrance,” twenty small voices answered in chorus.
            “Go ahead and take your seats,” said Ms. Torrance. She counted in her head the children sitting before her. She made a mental record of the children in attendance. It was this first count she would use as a checklist anytime a child entered or exited the classroom.
“There should always be twenty,” thought Ms. Torrance. “We’re going to start this morning with show and tell. Does anyone have anything exciting to share from their summer?”
            Two hands immediately shot up. Both Al and Chuck leap almost loose from their seats.
            “Alvin and Chuck which one of you boys would like to go first?”
            “We want to go at the same time,” Chuck and Al answered.
            “Curious,” thought Ms. Torrance. “Okay...? Are you sure boys?  You can each go right after one another.”
            “No we really need to go together,” said Al.
            “Yeah we really, really need to go together. Our stuff won’t be good if it’s not together,” said Chuck.
            “Well, alright then boys. Come on up and share what you brought.”
            Al and Chuck rushed to their cubbies to grab their bags. They moved like the wind from one side of the room to the very front.
            “My Dad got a new hobby this summer,” said Al.  He reached into his bag removing a cylindrical shaped item. It was brown etched with lines on all sides. “Here, my Dad calls this his ‘mellow out buddy’.”
            Ms. Torrance took a hard look at the item. A word rushed into her head, CIGAR! “Oh Alvin that is a very adult toy you have there, can you give it here please?”
            “But why? It’s not even lit up yet. I was going to do that next,” said Al, reaching into his pocket to fetch the lighter.
            “OH NO, there is no need for that Alvin,” said Ms. Torrance. She leaned across the desk; hand out attempting to snatch the cigar away. Just inches away as Chuck jumped forward with his item in hand.
            “Annnnnnnnnnnd here is what Al’s Dad uses to hide it from his Mom,” said Chuck. His small hand held a glass bottle. Chuck depressed the gold nozzle at the top. The room was suddenly filled with the pungent odor of cheap brute cologne.
            Eighteen small noses snubbed back in revulsion. They began to cough and wheeze. Cries and the cologne filled every corner of the classroom. That is when mass hysteria read about it medical journals took hold. Tiny bodies fled their desks streaming into the aisles. Chairs were thrown everywhere as Chuck and Al rushed to cover their mouths and noses. All the while Chuck continued to rapidly depress the nozzle.
            “Harry! Open the door, everyone line up FIRE DRILL!”
            Forty-four feet lined up straight, and rushed forth from the room, away from the cologne. Al and Chuck made sure to be at the end of the line. They knew that Harry would ignore them while the girls were in distress. He was one of those “rush in on a white steed” kind of heroes. The line of children between the two teachers ushered themselves down the empty hallway. All looking forward to the promise of fresh air.
            Ms. Torrance who was allergic to such cologne could barely walk as her eyes swelled and filled with tears. As she stood and held open the door she was too distracted to recall her earlier run of counting to twenty. This miscount allowed for both Al and Chuck to step free the line and rush toward the far end of the playground.
            Both boys raced as far as they could before stopping to take a breath. They hugged and high fived each other, their plan had finally worked.
            “Freedom,” said Al.
            “Freedom,” said Chuck.
            “Freedom?” said Ms. Torrance.
            Half way across town a woman would claim she heard the sound of glasses breaking in her sink. What she did not know was that it was not glass that had broken but the hope and hearts of two small boys.
            “Good plan boys. Just not good enough,” said Ms. Torrance. She pointed sternly to the line of students standing by the entrance. “Now get!”

            The boys obeyed. They moved awkwardly, shoulders heavy, heads to the ground,  feet laden with sorrow. As they approached their classmates, cheers and accolades welcomed them. They were heroes. They were legends. They would try again tomorrow.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Captain, my captain...

This is a personal note for those that either need to read what I am writing or for my own understanding. My intention is to be open with my own understandings. I am in no way commenting on the overall and general understanding of mental health or human suffering. I hope that what I give here is understood as it is intended. 

Recently the whole of the entertainment and American public were shocked to hear of the death of Robin Williams. I like many were shocked to hear that such a wonderfully talented actor was no longer on the living plane. I immediately when to the internet for answers finding that his death was suspected and then confirmed as a suicide. I was even more shocked and heartbroken to learn that his actions were a result of a lifelong fight against depression. I asked, what could a man so funny be so depressed about to seek silence in such a way? I also asked, is this the cost of the line light? Do all the greats die young burnt out from flames fueled by passion and heart? Is there hope for those of us that have talent but have yet to be struck by a spotlight? I was flooded by the questions of hope in such a dark ending. Then I remembered the scenes from Dead Poet’s Society, The World According to Garp, and my favorite scene from Good Will Hunting. Matt Damon is making fun of Robin Williams’s deceased wife, Matt laughs making obscene comments about a picture she painted. Williams suddenly lunges at Damon pushing him against the wall. Damon is shocked as quiet rage rolls off of Williams’ face. Williams says in a low and direct voice, “If you ever say anything about my wife again I will fucking end you.” Right there, like myself, movie goers were thrown off their seats with one comment from a man who used to stand on his head saying, “Nanu Nanu.” I wondered where Williams had gotten his understanding of loss so great that it leap from the screen and shook the audience awake. Now it would seem that this scene for Williams may have not been acting, it may have been how he felt every moment for a very long time. I much like the proverbial hero looked deep into the void and found that it was looking just as deeply back into me. I understood what Williams was saying in that scene, I understood the loss, and now I can understand that for him life was more battle than banter. The point I make here is that we all have demons deep in our hearts, the question is do we fight them free them or give in to them? Why the loss and struggle of a funny man speaks so fervently to me is because I am afraid at times that like Robin Williams I may seek silence rather than die alone screaming in the darkness. 
The reason why it is relevant is that in my own wonderings I too have almost given in. For the last seven years I have been in active consoling. I attend both private and group sessions at The White Raven Center in Anchorage Alaska. It is through the good work and guidance of the facilitators Marianne, Floyd, Cathy, Toby, Rebecca and others that I am still here. Not that I was at any point ready to go quietly into that good night, I was moreover always there on the edge looking out over the void. Some might say that I have not had reason to be so morbidly depressed or suicidal. Some might say that their struggle is harder than mine so I should man up. Other still would say that we all have issues so keep calm and carry on (I loath that phrase not for its meaning but more of its usage). I say to that from an earlier and angrier voice, “GO FIRETRUCK YOURSELVES!” Now that I have had lots of time to heal I can say openly to those that question my journey “Go and help yourself. I will if I can be there to witness your healing and support you as you need in doing it. You have all the weapons you need to battle the darkness inside, now you only need to choose to fight. 
In my own life I have a father who ditched me before I was born. I was born with a disease that made me, in the eyes of others, weak and broken. I have family members that chose to “check out” of life rather than live it. I have a mother that married a man who tried to drown me in a pool. She then chose to flee that marriage only to choose to give me up as her son to try and make a life with that same man. I was married at a young age to a woman who was the only reason I graduated High School. I fathered a child with the love of my life, and I lost both of them in the blink of an eye to the idiocy of a drunk driver. I was blamed for their deaths because I missed a phone call. I was (and still am) outcast from everyone that I thought loved me and supported me. I stood for ten years alone in the dark, screaming, waiting for death to get it over with. I have walked calm into that good night, but I have raged internally against the dying of a light I could care less about. I did what I thought a man was supposed to do, suck it up and keep it all on the inside. I can now say that even though I had my head above water I rarely remembered to breath. Until I made the choice to come back into life I was lost. I can see the old me standing angry and alone cutting into his soul just as he cut into his flesh over a hundred times. I carry those scars upon me, but they do not make me what I am. 
Now that I have complied the outline for madness which I have lived I can better offer the point. No one needs to stay silent, or calm, or strong, or nice, or proper, or anything if they don’t need to. Robin Williams kept his struggle silent and internal. He chose to leave the world instead of continue to live in it. He may have been able to come back from the void if he had felt validated in choosing to live with the support of others. Who is to say that he didn’t; I am noting that is still not okay in today’s society to broken. Broken meaning that you don’t want to live, or get out of bed, or stop crying, or stop punching the wall. Broken as in unable to remember those parts of yourself that broke off because it was too much to carry on. The soul parts shattered from your core so that you could keep walking forward without pain. Broken as in you can remember what it is to be not broken. Broken as I was, broken as in moments I can remember where I too longed for to be over. Being broken is not the issue, the issue is that bring open about being broken is something best left alone in the dark. And to all of that I say again, “FIRETRUCK THAT!” 
There is no need for people feel bad over wanted help. There is nothing wrong with having issues if you openly look for the opportunity to resolve them. We are human so there is no reason to feel bad or guilty in needing people to be humane. There is no reason to be alone in the dark because you do not want to burden anyone else. Your silence is not golden, your madness is not rude, your struggle is does not lack merit, your heart does not need to beat alone. As I write this I am worked up slightly because of how important I feel this is to everyone. The point, behind my ranting, is that no one need go alone, its dangerous out there take this, my (anyone’s) hand. I cannot fix it, but in the least I can listen to it and walk with you as you battle it. Again, you have all the weapons you need, now fight, and know that your need not fight alone. 
I am sad with the loss of the person and the talent of Robin Williams. I am sadder that he went alone into the night. I am even sadder that he is not alone in the struggle that claimed him. I hope that even with the loss we can see that there is no point to it for anyone else. If you need to be heard speak up and someone will listen, I did.