Friday, June 1, 2012

Bathroom Wishes




Sounds odd? You bet it does but it is really any stranger than some of the stuff other people do in the bathroom? We’ll yeah I know I have not explained anything about what a bathroom wish is, but when I get there I am hoping you will say “oh yeah, that’s not weird or strange, we’ll not as strange as me picking ingrown hairs from the back of my knee cap while singing Tiny Dancer by Elton John.” See now we are on the same page and I feel honestly we can progress as equally accounted individuals, if not please laugh all you like at my weird habit as it will give you wrinkles and make you look older, you old looking prune face….
Okay bad blood behind us moving on to the adventure, yes I am as sorry about what I wrote back there as the stuff you were thinking while you read it, fake hug, and off we go. So bathroom wishes, what are they, why do I make them, no it’s not a sexual thing. When I go in to use the restroom I find that when I sit down to make the business my mind is clearer and more likely to wonder to the things that I may want out of life. Not sure why my mind does this all I can rationalize is that I am relieved enough to give myself permission to want something bigger and grander than what I already have in life (again not a sexual thing…sickos). I because of this will get the idea in my head of go ahead and make your three wishes or one great wish, but make sure to be clear so that whatever magical creature is giving you this wish will understand and not hand you a twenty inch BIC (now you can laugh…that one was sexual). So to give you a lineup of some of the things I make when pondering my bathroom wishes for here are the top five that I have come up with.
5. To have all the powers of Superman
                Yes it has been a dream of mine to have all the powers of one of earth’s mightiest heroes Superman. Really when you think about who would not want to be able to fly, be super strong, super quickness, laser vision, ice breath, real parents who were dead so they could not call you on the weekend and ask you how to use the internet when you are trying to sleep (I love you Mom I do, by the way you are down to 3 tech calls). Well at least for most I would say yes to all of the above. This wish could cause problems because being diabetic I need insulin injections, so with the invulnerability of Superman I would need kryptonite tipped needles just to keep my injections going. Also with that much strength the whole world would be the same tinsel strength of tissue paper and I am pretty sure I don’t have the money to be replacing doors, computers, and people every other day due to not knowing my own strength. It is for these reasons that this wish makes number 5.
4. To have the jumper power from the movie Jumper.
I know believe me I know that movie in and of itself was bad. But the key thing to take away from it other than an acidic disappointment burning in the back of your throat is the awesome power in and of itself. To be able to look at a picture or think of a place you once were and bamf you are there would be awesome. Oh I have to use the restroom and I am at school which only has dirty gross bathrooms, bamf you are home and pooping without issue. Think of the crimes you could commit walk into a bank look at the vault and bamf in later got collect the loot or oh look a girls locker room which had the door open long enough for me to see inside, bamf hello goodbye and thank you ladies. Though the downside would be the lazy factor of never really having to walk away where ever again just jump to the couch, then to the kitchen, then to the bathroom, computer whatever I could see at least 200 pounds of weight gain with that much lazy unless jumping burns calories like crazy. Or even worse you and your significant other are having the sexy time and bamf you are standing in the living room of your parent’s house trying to cover your shame before your Dad looks up from his nightly CNN news break. Also as note you most likely would have to make the creature giving you the wishes watch the movie and by the end of it they may just throw up into the sun. The chance of other stuff becoming an issue is why this one goes to number 4 on the bathroom wish list.
3. The ability to jump into and out of any book, movie, picture, ECT…
                This one I could have too much fun with but could also break a lot of reality at the same time. This ability would allow me to go into and come out of any type of media such as movies, TV, books, magazines, and paintings. For instance I jump into The Losers at the scene where they are opening the cargo bin full of money. I grab as much as I can and step out of the movie with hands full of money that is now real in our world. A huge incentive here to keep going back in till all the money is gone and sitting on your living room floor or evil bank vault. Also what ever happened to you in the world you jumped into would be real here, so you jump into Spiderman and get bitten by the radioactive spider and boom you are now Spiderman spider man doing all the things a spider can. As well you could jump into books that you hate just to smack Bella in the face and tell her to stop whining about everything. The possibilities are endless though the problem with this one would be getting too much overlap and ending up jumping into a book or movie at the wrong point only to hear the twang of a banjo and a redneck saying you got a pretty mouth. For shear confusion factor this one ends up at three on the list though I do feel swinging around with a light saber while controlling a giant anime robot would be pretty cool but hard to explain to the neighbors.
2.  100 Billion Dollars
                Honestly who in their right mind would not wish for a whole crap ton of money if they were given wishes. The question here is why is this not at the top of my list well that is because of the responsibility that comes with it. If I had that much money I would have to help out my friends and family with their bills buying houses and cars like there was nothing better to do on my Tuesday afternoon. But then people I don’t know would want money and it would become a death match fight in the desert where two men enter and one man leaves. Honestly there are too many questions and digging holes for my taste so that is why this wish sits at the two.
1. The ability to make multiple copies of myself.
                Okay so here is the big one a wish that if I could get it to come true would solve a lot of issues. This ability would be such that I could make multiple copies of myself whom would act, talk and have all the memories that I do. As a plus the clones when deleted would send their info back to me so that I knew what they had been up to. I could get so much stuff done at once that I am not sure there would be enough knowledge on the plant to fill the hunger of my many brains. I could send one to work, another one to another work, one to clean the house, one to read a book, several to get degrees across multiple programs and if I needed to see what I should ware of the day I could have one just stand there while I hold stuff up. The problem here would be that I know myself pretty well and I am sure that my clones would argue with me when I gave them orders because as said they are just like me. There would be issues with sharing while playing video games as well as no one would want to be the one to go to work let alone go to several jobs. It would be a mess and I could see the only way to make it work would be to turn to a life of crime as the thrill would keep me and my many clones on the run. Also you never really know what lays deep at the bottom of your subconscious mind so to have one of my clone’s memories come back to me and be scared by it is more than I could take because I would be ashamed I did not think of it first, stupid jerk clone.
So that is my list of bathroom wishes it may still seem strange or weird but hey give it a try. Go sit on the toilet and clear your mind and see what comes up. Maybe you will be the lucky one of use that just happened to pull the magic roll of toilet paper that contains a genie who was trapped for millennia in the tree the roll was made from. Best of luck and good wishing as well don’t forget to flush.